Breakaway

Hey guys,
What I'm about to tell you will probably change how you look at me. Not in a big way, but at least a little bit different. How many of you remembered that my grandma died earlier this year? How many of you knew that I was probably one the only people who truly knew her? How many of you knew how badly her death affected me? Yea, we were close. We were really close. And you know what? When I learned that she was sick, I refused to believe that she wasn't going to get better this time. So, I didn't visit her or anything. Before, I used to see her at least 4-5 times a week. But for two whole weeks I didn't visit her. I felt horrible, and I finally forced myself to go. She was so sick. She kept telling me that she wanted the pain to go away and that she loved me and my sister. The last thing she heard come out of my mouth was: "I love you Grandma." Two days later, she died. I was in utter shock. I didn't even cry. I couldn't believe that she was really gone. Who would want to? She was the one constant in my life. She was always there for me. I could tell her anything and she wouldn't judge me. People say that the pain gets easier, but it doesn't. I think about her every day. And I miss her so much. I miss talking to her, I miss making her laugh, and I miss her hugs. You must be wondering why I'm telling you this now. Well, it's December. On December 5th, it took all of my energy for me not to cry. That was her birthday. December was her favorite month, and Christmas her favorite holiday. Christmas this year is going to be so different without her. She eminated Christmas spirit. With her gone I'm totally lost. This is where my lying skills come into play. I lie a lot. I say that now, because you don't know how often I lie. Every time someone asks me if I'm okay, I say yes. But I feel the total opposite. Yea, I'm the happy one in the group, and in my family. But that's because I have to make sure that they move on. Even if it means that I can't. I can't move on. I miss her so much. Lei, when you guys thought I was depressed because of Aaron or whatever? Yea, it wasn't cause of that. It's what I thinking about at that time. I would explain it to you, but you wouldn't get it (it was an inside joke, just between the two of us). Besides, you guys should seriously know me better than that. Why would I let a stupid boy bother me that much? Back to subject, I don't want you to pity me. I just want to warn you guys that if one day I just totally break down, there's a really good reason for it. And not something stupid like Aaron. Now, you might be wondering why I'm posting this with this song. Well, there are other issues going on in my family that I just want to get away from. For instance, my grandma was actually my great-grandma, okay? So her kids got mad at her after she died, because she left stuff for me and my sister. And she said that she loved us more. I can't blame her (as soon as they found out that she was sick, they had her obituary written up). There's even more crap going on on my mom's side of the family that I don't even want to mention because it's so horrible, but you get the point don't you? I just want to 'breakaway.' (And yes, I know that sounded corny, but please, go easy on me, I'm really messed up.) The one thing my grandma always told me, was to be myself. And to never change. I'm going to do just that. School is the one place where I can act like myself and not get in trouble for it (well not really :]). I just hate lying to you guys about something like this. You guys really are the bestest friends someone as messed up as me could ask for. (That was even cornier that what I said earlier, but I don't really care any more.) So yea, thanks. Thanks for putting up with my: scheming, lying, sassyness, bitchyness, tricks, jokes, slaps, punches, kicks, thoughts, nasty images, bullying, you know the rest. But hey? Can you really say that you don't have fun with me? :]
Luv ya guys,
Chalee :]